I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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