I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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