1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
