Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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