I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
