Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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