Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
