I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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