I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
