lets start a swedish sibling band together
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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