apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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