a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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