I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
