dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm always down for nudity.
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