i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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