this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
