If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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