Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
