Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
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Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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