3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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