I wish my penis had an off switch
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
