i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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