Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
