I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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