Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
