SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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