I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
