Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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