Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
