i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
