I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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