so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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