My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
