I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize