We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
