I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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