Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
