I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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