history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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