I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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