True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
