I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
