Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
