my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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