What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
