I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
