Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
