i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize
