I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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