Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
