first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
