I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
