I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
