3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
