Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
