I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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