i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
