who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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