I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
